I have always struggled with self-awareness. It seemed I was only, ever so keenly, aware of my shortcomings. I dwelled on my sin as well as an unholy comparison to others who I felt “had it together”. I cannot honestly speak entirely in past tense here as this is still a very powerful and persistent tension in my heart.
Some of this may come from a father-deprived upbringing. I had men around, but were not exactly concerned with “fathering” me. I don’t blame them as that is a daunting task as I am finding out. But I am so excited about the great calling of being a father and deeply committed to restoring in my son what was failed in me. And it is worth every second. Daddy loves you, Taylor.
It could be in part the tradition I came to know Christ in…a “holiness” tradition. There are many well meaning pastors and teachers who were so adamant about teaching holiness as a “crisis event” that it left me feeling completely inadequate. I felt like i had not yet arrived. I have no doubt they meant well and they are far smarter than I will ever be, but in their teaching they place this burden of a second grace that purifies our intention. Well here I am left struggling with my sinful flesh and, what I’ve been taught, “unconverted desires”, so my struggles seem to be my own fault.
So I just want to offer some hope for the holy yet discontented. It may seem, at first take, our situations are hopeless or that we don’t measure up. Jesus has a different perspective, God’s view of us as his beloved children. Because we are too focused on ourselves, Gof has to gently and sometimes harshly remind us thay all we are should be about Him. God knows our salvation, or “holiness”, has to be worked out with fear and trembling (Phil. 2:12-13) He knows we are left on this earth with a rotting corpse of flesh. He knows submitting to the authority of Christ (in his discipline 1 Peter 1:14-16) and recognizing our position in his family as sons and daughters of God (1 John 3:1-2) will bring us assurance that we are accepted, loved, and that he is not done with us yet. He tells us that because we are his children we will feel a greater weight over our sin. The greater our veiw of God will give us a diminished view of ourselves and our circumstances. This is not to devalue us, but to show his supreme worth and power to finish, in us, what he began. This should lead us to comfort that we have as God’s kids.
I leave with a quote from John Murray.
“Indeed, the more sanctified the person is, the more conformed he is to the image of his Savior, the more he must recoil against every lack of conformity to the holiness of God. The deeper his apprehension of the majesty of God, the greater the intensity of his love to God, the more persistent his yearning for the attainment of the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus, the more conscious will he be of the gravity of the sin that remains and the more poignant will his detestation of it…Was this not the effect in all the people of God as they into closer proximity to the revelation of God’s holiness?”
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